why I don't like work/life balance (but prefer integration)

I had a conversation recently — or, rather, a partial conversation; we got interrupted and have plans to reconnect — about work, family, etc., and what that ought to look like for Catholics in the 2020s. My interlocutor was a husband and father (not my husband, or father) who had been thinking about these things from his perspective, and we recently connected over this shared interest; as some of you know, I’ve been reading (and thinking) a lot on this topic the past year or two.

He said that a large part of the male side of the conversation was a push toward one-income households. (He clarified that this isn’t necessarily what he advocates for.) He was interested to hear my thoughts, since he hasn’t been reading and thinking about the female side of the conversation like I have.

Quick aside: this substack is supposed to be about my thesis, but that project is a little bit stalled right now due to things like the scheduling of faculty meetings and seminarian exams, and my advisor’s other commitments. But I wanted to write this out, and it does seem pertinent to the lay vocation, so here it is.

I’m hesitant about the one-income household as the ideal model for Catholic families in the 2020s. Where it is feasible and desireable, it can work really well. The reality is, it isn’t feasible for many families, and where it is feasible, it isn’t always desireable. The argument goes that it isn’t right to shuffle the kids off so that Mom and Dad can both participate in the ugly grind of capitalism. Well, yes. But I have a few objections to this characterization of it.

First, nobody — not even Dad — should be forced to participate in the ugly grind of capitalism. We’re human beings (including the men!) and ideally, the work we do has dignity because it contributes something to the world in some way. (John Paul would also talk about how our work is dignified because it’s human persons doing it, and that’s of note as well.) If a human person is spending 40 hours a week worshipping the god of capitalism to support a family, this is not a good situation. It may or may not be something they can change, but I think we ought to acknowledge it as not good.

In our culture, families need money to acquire necessary things like food, housing, etc. That money normally comes into the family when adult(s) are paid for their professional work. But being paid for work is not the same as worshipping the god of capitalism. You can contribute meaningfully to society and also get paid for it! There is a big difference between furthering the rat race of corporate greed and getting paid for doing meaningful work. I have (male and female) friends who help sick people in various ways, help people find housing, sort out legal matters, edit books for publication, teach different kinds of things, and so on. This is all good and meaningful work in itself, in addition to being the means by which they bring money into their households.

But here’s the main thing I want to say: We need to think about “work” and “what I get paid for” as separate things. I read somewhere — and I think this is a really good point — that if I watch my friend’s kids while she goes to the doctor, and she doesn’t pay me because we’re friends, this does nothing for the GDP. But if she pays me and we fill out tax forms and such, we’ve added a lot of administrative work and regulations — and raised the GDP. But why would we do that? It’s easier just to watch each other’s kids now and then, and do other things for each other. One thing I greatly appreciate about this subculture of moms that I’ve found is this non-money economy. We do things for each other and give things to each other, a lot, and we don’t normally pay each other. We give as much as we receive, and we all understand that sometimes you do more giving and other times (e.g. postpartum) you do more receiving.

When I think of my own work, there is a mix of different things. I get paid for some of it, e.g. some teaching and test administration. I pay to do some of it: I pay tuition and buy books for my graduate program, and then I study and write papers. I take care of my kids, which sometimes is active involvement and completion of tasks, and other times (like literally right now) it means being present while they do their kid things (during which time I often study or write or do other kinds of work). I do housework, sometimes apprenticing my kids in it. I make food for my friends when they have newborns, sometimes apprenticing my kids in this, too. How do I categorize the time we shoveled the neighbor’s driveway? Or write this substack for free? Does that count as work? To me, all of these things are rolled together as “work.” The idea that “Dad works and Mom stays home” ignores all the work that Mom does, and it ignores the work that Dad does outside his professional career. Does he shovel? Do the taxes? Wash the dishes? Help a friend move some heavy furniture? Why wouldn’t we call that work?

I came to this understanding from learning about how many households were set up before the Industrial Revolution. Some of the writers I read saw feminism as a response to the Industrial Revolution. In sum: Before, men and women worked largely at home, and the men mostly took the work that required heavy lifting, while women mostly took the work that could be done with young children around, and other tasks were distributed in whatever way made sense. Weaving, for example, has been women’s work in almost every culture. It’s necessary: people need clothes. It’s work that doesn’t pose safety hazards for toddlers, and that’s easily interruptable. This isn’t to say that “women are basically children,” because that’s not true; it’s, rather, to acknowledge the reality that most women become mothers; breastfeeding happens and requires close proximity; and that young children are normally very attached to their moms (and moms are often very attached to their young children); and it makes sense to roll with that instead of trying to work against it.

So when the Industrial Revolution happened, much of (what had been) women’s work was moved to dangerous factories far from home, and the work/family divide began. Women had to choose between, on the one hand, economically productive work like weaving and food preservation, which was now done in factories on a factory schedule, and on the other hand, being at home and present to their children who, like all children everywhere, have unpredictable needs and cannot conform to a factory schedule. They could no longer do that economically productive work at home with their children around. And here we see the ancestors of the girlbosses and tradwives — a polarization which is a fallout of the dis-integration of work and home.

So in thinking about my own work, I’ve thought less about how to balance work and family, as if I just need to figure out how many hours/minutes to give to each, and more about how to integrate them. Women in the past did their productive work with kids around; why can’t I? Some of my work (e.g. zoom meetings, or going to class) requires separation from kids, but a lot of it can be done with kids present or helping (apprenticing). Putting a bibliography together is very interruptable work; I did the bulk of mine while my kids played, and I received interruptions as necessary. I bring my kids to the seminary library to find books, and it’s a bit chaotic, but it works, and they get to experience the adult world.

So what does this mean for the one-income “ideal”? I think that parents, as adults, can look at the particulars of their situation and decide what works well for their family. How much money can they earn in their paid work, and how much do they need? What desire do they have to do the professional (paid) work that is available to them? What desire do they have to be with their kids? What childcare options are available to them? These things vary from family to family — and are likely to change with time, as well. More children may join the family; all children grow older; different professional opportunities arise with greater experience and certifications and things. So to give a blanket structure that’s supposed to work for every family seems misguided, at best.

But it seems important that one’s professional work is not the entirety of one’s identity. There’s work to be done outside the office as well, and relationships to foster, and other things. It seems to me that the ideal way to integrate all our work — professional, volunteer, informal, domestic, relational, academic, or whatever — is to roll it all together under the umbrella of “What is God asking of me?” Or, better, “What is God asking of me right now, in the present moment?”

Because really, our fundamental vocation is the call to holiness, a call God makes universally and to each of us individually. The specifics of that call vary from person to person, but the foundation and goal are the same: to grow in holiness, which is to say, to love God and neighbor. The way to do that is to do what he is asking of us in the present moment.

For those of you who have read this far (gosh, this was longer than I had intended!), what are your thoughts?

If you have a family, how have you and your spouse organized things, and why?

Have you felt that you have many different and unrelated tasks, and if so, how easy or hard is it for you to accept that? (I really struggle when my work feels like a thousand scattered tasks; I have an interior drive to see it as integrated. I’m wondering how common this is.)

What ways have you found to pursue order and integration among the different things that you do?